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Blonde Jokes

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At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."


A fellow in a bar notices a blonde, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."


A blonde down on her luck is walking through a well-to-do neighborhood looking for odd jobs when she approaches this one house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her. The lady tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the woman if she paints.

The women says, "Sure, anything."

The man replies, "Well, I have been wanting my porch painted; how much would you charge?"

Responding quickly, "I don't know, say fifty bucks?"

The man replies, "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started."

He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?"

He tells her of the blonde and her situation, and then told his wife that the woman agreed to paint the porch for fifty dollars.

The astonished wife says, "fifty dollars! But, that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours' job. You really should pay her more."

He responds, "But that's all she said she wanted."

Ten minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door, and the blonde is there. She says, "I'm done."

With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch?"

"Yes, and by the way, it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."


A city blonde went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. He told her one had a horn and one didn't. She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic out here."


Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman running down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally make his way through the revolving door to see her standing calmly in front of him.

"Well," he said, panting, "what do you want?"

"The sign said, press bell for night watchman," she replied. "I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."


A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, "Get the quarter back!"


A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.

Replied the blonde, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."

Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"

"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."


A blonde lady decided to help to benefit the community and began a job as a primary school counselor. One day during break time she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other end. Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage she decided to have a conversation with him so she approached and asked if he was OK, in the knowledge that if he wasn't she could talk to him about the game. The boy said he was fine.

A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself, watching the game. Approaching again, she said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, She then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because..." the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the bloomin' goalkeeper - now get lost!"


Morris a blond guy from the big city, moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later Morris returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said Morris with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"


Sophie and Shirley, two elderly blonde widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."


A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."


This blond fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?


A blonde walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter. Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

The librarian looks at her for a moment, then whispers to her, "Ma'am, this is the library."

Judi nods, then she whispers, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke...."


The blonde coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."


A Blonde came home one day from work and found her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that she grabbed the gun out of the dresser drawer and put it up to her head threatening to commit sucide. The boyfriend in shock screams, "No honey don't do it, I am so sorry!" Then the blonde says, "Shut up! You're next!"


Two blondes rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After a while they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"

"Half a million"

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"

"I bought a house. How about your sack?"

"Bah... it was full o' bills"

"And what did you do with them?"

"Well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."


A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."


Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrrr Kiiiing."


Three women were about to be executed. One brunette, one redhead, and a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted.....Ready... Aim...!! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "Earthquake!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted....Ready...Aim....!! and suddenly the redhead yelled, "Tornado!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted......Ready....Aim...!! and the blonde yelled....
If you donít know that punchline, you were really born yesterday!

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