Canada, eh? |
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."
Guy I know was staying in a fancy hotel in Calgary, and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "because you peed in the pool."
Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a Lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure, that's what they call it now."
There's this guy named Willard, from way down south, never seen snow in his life. He's got a friend up in Canada, and he decides to visit him one winter. He gets there, and can't believe his eyes, at all the snow. His friend suggests that he should try ice fishing, for something to do. "Ice fishing? Well, why the heck not?" So Willard gets his fishing rod, and a hatchet to chop a hole in the ice, and he sets out to go ice fishing. He walks out onto the ice, finds a spot, and starts chopping. Next thing he knows he hears a big booming voice that says "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE" Willard looks up and around, can't see who's talking to him, but he figures maybe there's no fish there, so he walks a little further onto the ice, and starts chopping again. Sure enough, he hears the voice again. "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE" Willard looks up, tries to see who's talking to him, but it's like the voice is booming down from the heavens. Well, he figures, he says no fish, so I'll move on. One more time, Willard finds a spot, and one more time he starts chopping. As soon as his hatchet hits the ice, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE" Willard jumps to his feet. "Who are you; God?" "NO, YOU IDIOT, I'M THE ARENA MANAGER."
There's these two Newfies who go hunting in the back woods of Newfoundland. They're walking all around the Rock, when one of them realizes something. "Johnny, my b'y. I do believe we're lost." "I think you're right, Billy my son. You know, I hear the international distress signal for being lost in the bush is to fire three shots in the air." So Billy fires three shots, and they wait. And they wait some more, but nobody's there, so they walk around some more. An hour later, they're still lost. "Hey Billy, my cod, we're still lost. Why don't you try that three shots thing again." "Sounds like a fine idea, my b'y." So he tries it again, but still nobody's coming for them, so they walk around some more. Soon the Sun starts to set, and they know they're going to have to make camp. "Hey Billy, before we make camp, why don't you try that three shots thing one more time?" "I'm sorry, Johnny, but I can't do that." "Why not, Billy?" "I'm out of arrows."
A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions. "Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?" The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way. The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."
A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian were stranded on a desert island after their ship sank in a storm. A few weeks had passed when a strange bottle washed ashore. The Indian picked it up and rubbed the sand off its surface. Suddenly there was a flash and a large genie appeared before them. The genie granted each man one wish. "Oh, please," said the Mexican, "I miss my family so much, I want to go home to Mexico!" In an instant he was gone. "I miss my office; I want to go back to New York City!" the American pleaded. In a flash he too disappeared. There stood the Canadian, alone with the genie. "Gosh, it sure is lonely around here," the Canadian said."I wish I had my two friends back!"