The Funny Farm!
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy"?
After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called `Pope Secola'."
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A rabbi and a minister were sitting together on a plane. The stewardess came up to them and asked, "Would you care for a cocktail?" "Sure" said the rabbi. "Please bring me a Manhattan." "Fine, sir," said the stewardess. "And you, Reverend?" "Young lady," he said, "before I touch strong drink, I'd just as soon commit adultery!" "Oh miss," said the rabbi, "as long as there's a choice...I'll have what he's having."
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them....twice." The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everbody!"
The father goes to visit his future son-in-law, who he finds deeply involved in studying Torah. He sits down and asks the boy, "So...what are you going to do to make a living?" "I will study Torah and God will provide", was the young man's response. "I see...well, how are you going to provide for my daughter?" "I will study Torah and God will provide", he answered. "And what about kids. Who's going to support them?!" "I will study Torah and God will provide". Upon arriving home that afternoon, the father's wife met him at the door. "So, what did you find out?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I'm God."