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A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

As a young man in the Navy, I will confess to not being all that careful about who I dated. This one young thang and I connected, and following dinner and a movie, she agreed to a motel. After a very torrid evening, I noticed the time. I asked her if her Mother didn't pose questions about where she had been. She replied, "My Mother doesn't care what I do. it's that damned truant officer who keeps asking a lot of silly questions."

Every time I brought a girl home to "meet the folks", my Mother couldn't stand her. She never liked any girl in who I showed any interest; until one night I brought home a girl who not only looked like my Mother, but kinda sounded like her too. Wouldn't ya just know it? My Father couldn't stand her.

A girl went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.

At a party I was attending I was warned in advance to avoid this one desperate girl. Before I knew that happened though, she had me cornered. She asked if I were new to the area as she hadn't met me until that nite. I replied, "No, I've been away." "Ohhhhh, how exciting. Where were you, Europe ?" "No." I said, "I was in jail." "Oh really ?" And why were you in jail ?" "Well, I hacked my wife into little bitty pieces with a meat cleaver fifteen years ago." "Ohhhhh, then that means you're single then, right ?"

After a big campus dance, where all of the dates were arranged by computer, one student who didn't attend asked another how it went. "Well..." she replied, "It was indeed a frightening experience to see what you deserved."

College girl to suitor: "By a 'secret engagement', am I correct in assuming that you can't afford to buy a ring?"

Coed to date: "No, there's no one else, Sheldon -- or else I'd be out with him right now."

Guy: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore!

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."