The Funny Farm!
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between him and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying. "You creep !" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good slimy stinking creep!” "What's your problem Mattie ?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told you only if it rained."
MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse, in front of the fireplace on a raw, blustery day. The freezing rain was beating against the windows as their beards thawed out. Outside, the wind from the North Sea roared with gale force. The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys. Finally, MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf. Same time next Saturday ?" "Aye," MacDuff replied, "weather permitting."
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great !" NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
One golfer to another: First it was my marriage; now, the magic has gone out of my nine iron too.
Three business men are out for a Friday afternoon of golf. As they begin to tee off at the firsthole, the starter comes out and asks if they would mind having a fourth join them. They agreeand are surprised to see a very healthy and attractive college girl walking out of the clubhouse. The three men are all good golfers and, so, are ready to impart their wisdom to the young lady, but they are shocked when she steps to the men's tee instead of the lady's and proceeds to drive 250 yards straight down the fairway. She smiles and offers up the tee to the next player. The day goes by and all are having a good time and great rounds of golf when they come to the 18th green. The girl is about 20 feet away and is looking at her putt. She says to the men, "You know, I have had a lot of fun today, and having played with you has made my game so much better. In fact, if I sink this putt it will be the first time I have ever broken par. If one of you gentleman can tell me how, I will spend the rest of the weekend with you showing how grateful I am." The three men look at each other and one says, "I had this putt on Wednesday, it breaks about two feet to the right and is very quick." He smiles at the other two men. The second man says, "Actually, I had this same putt yesterday, and if you send it too slow it will break two and a half feet from this point to that one." He smiles at the first man and nods to the third. The third man looks at both of them and then at the girl. He walks over to the ball, picks it up, tosses it to the girl, smiles and says, "It's a gimme."
The Pope and the Prime Minister of Israel had a meeting and decided that they should have a two man golf tournament. Each side to supply a golf pro. The Pope called the Cardinals together and asked them to get Greg Norman to play for them and to tell him that they would make Norman a Cardinal for the day. After the tournament the Pope called in Norman and asked how he came out. Poor "Cardinal" Norman dejectedly claimed, "I lost to Rabbi Woods."
A Reform rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one. The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!" "Sure," answered God with a smile. "Who can he tell?"