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How to be a good Republican

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  1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

  2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

  3. You have to believe that someone like Michelle Pfeiffer can really walk into an inner city classroom and accomplish miracles.

  4. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

  5. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

  6. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

  7. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

  8. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

  9. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

  10. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

  11. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

  12. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

  13. You have to be against government interference in business until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

  14. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

  15. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

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