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The Funny Farm
The Funny Farm!

Rules for Cats who have a house to run

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  1. Doors:
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

  2. Chairs and Rugs:
    If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.

  3. Bathrooms:
    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

  4. Hampering:
    If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”. Following are the rules for “hampering”.
    • When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
    • For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
    • For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
    • For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!! First , sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time , push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a time.
    • When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
    • When a human is typing at the computer, jump on the keyboard and listen to the neat sounds that come from the person’s mouth. If you get kicked off, to hear more of those sounds, try hanging on some of the wires at the back of the computer.

  5. Walking:
    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

  6. Bedtime:
    Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

  7. Illness:
    If you have an upset stomach, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Or, shag is good.

  8. Guests:
    • Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty". If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
    • For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.
    • Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
    • For guests who say, "I love kitties", be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

  9. Doors:
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

  10. Mandatory Interruption:
    If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin unless you can lie across the book itself.

  11. Knitting:
    For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

  12. Homework:
    For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table-pens, pencils, stamps-one at a time.

  13. Sleep:
    Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing between 2 and 4 a.m.

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