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Miscellaneous

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The Minnesota Department of fish and wildlife is advising hikers, hunter, fisherman to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in Duluth, Brainard and International falls areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray incase of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to look for signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

haha!

Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."

haha!

The burglar was cruising through a posh neighbourhood looking for a target. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way. The next day he was back in the same neighbourhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he intended to steal.

"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.

The burglar froze in his tracks.

"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.

When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shone it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.

"I see you and Jesus sees you."

The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said.

The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp--and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pinscher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.

"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.

haha!

An Irish lady hears a knock at her door. When she answers, her husband's co-worker says, "Mrs. Murphy, I'm sorry to have to be tellin' ya this, but Paddy fell into one of the vats at the brewery and he's drowned".

She says, "Oh my God, I'll bet he suffered somethin' terrible".

The guy says, "Well, no ma'am, I wouldn't exactly say he suffered. He got out twice to go the bathroom."

haha!

A young Irishman named Paddy was going to London for the first time. Before he went, old Mrs. Dunn asked him to stop in on her son Nealie.

"He's been in London for over a year, but he never writes," she said. "Here's his address: London WC-1."

Paddy arrived in London that afternoon, and was overwhelmed by Heathrow. As he walked through the airport, thoroughly lost, he happened to spy a door marked 'WC', so he went in and knocked on the first door.

"Are you Nealie Dunn?" he asked.

"Yes," came the reply, "but I haven't got any paper."

Paddy retorted: "That's no excuse not to write to your mother!"

haha!

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

The old man looked puzzled: "Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

"How about land?" the banker asked, growing discouraged.

"My tribe owns 6000 acres. I am an elder," the old Indian replied.

After picking his jaw up off the desk, the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asked.

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

The old man looked puzzled again: "Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

haha!

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

haha!

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"!

haha!

Did you hear about the blind bloke who did a parachute jump? Scared the heck out of his dog!!

haha!

A man who had been marooned on a small deserted island was making his morning walk around the island, searching for any useful items that might of use that washed ashore. Then he noticed that there was a yellow something bobbing in the surf. As he watched it it became obvious that it was a person in a yellow scuba suit. And as he continued to watch, it became obvious that it was a female in the scuba suit. As she approached him, pulling back the head cover of the suit, he noticed she was a good looking blonde female. She walked right up to him and asked him, "How long have you been here?" He replied, "It's been ten years." She asked him, "How long since you've smoked a good cigar?" He replied, "It's been ten long years!" She reached around her suit and unzipped a pocket, and extracted a Havana cigar. Finding another zipper, she produced a lighter. She handed him the cigar, and lit it as he inhaled. She asked how the cigar was and he said it was better than he remembered. She asked him, "How long since you've had a drink?" He replied, "It's been ten long, long years!!" She reached for another pocket in her suit and unzipped a small flask, and from an additional pocket, found a whiskey glass. She poured a shot into the flash and handed it to him. She asked how it was as he sipped the whiskey and smoked the cigar and he said it was great. She asked him, "How long since you've played around?" He replied, "It's been ten long, long, long years!!!" She started to pull down the front zipper of the scuba suit. He kind of leaned toward her as he looked in wonder down the front of her suit, and he asked, "You got a set of golf clubs in there?"

haha!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

haha!

A woman shopping for a 30th anniversary gift for her husband goes into a pet shop. After 10 minutes the clerk asks: "May I help you ma'am ?" "I'm looking for a gift for my husband. Our anniversary is coming in a few days. I thought a pet might be the way to go." The clerk asks, "Would you like to look at some puppies. Dogs are mans best friend." "No, I don't think my husband would take a dog on walks. He's gotten a bit lazy these past years." The clerk thinks for a moment, then asks: "Well maybe a cat. You don't have to take cats on walks." "No, I don't think my husband would clean out the litter box." About this time the woman spots a small furry critter in the corner of the store curled up napping. "What kind of animal is that on the post in the corner?" "That's a rare South American Crunch bug. A good pet for some but expensive." "Do tell me more about the animal." The clerk explains "Well, they are bred and trained to do as commanded by a man." "Oh yea, right." "Really ma'am, Here let demonstrate. One of the commands is to just describe an object and the Crunch Bug will tear it to shreds. This is really helpful for recycling." With this the clerk commands:"Crunch Bug the phone Book" The Crunch Bug jumps off its post and tears the phone book into a million small pieces and piles it up for easy disposal. The woman asks "Is it trained to just your voice?" "Oh, no ma'am." The woman starts toward the door. "I'll be right back." She goes out the front door of the store, grabs a young man off the sidewalk and returns to the clerk with the bewildered youngster in tow. "Mr. Clerk do you have another phone book here?" "Yes ma'am, I'll get it." The woman turns to the Crunch Bug and says "Crunch Bug the phone Book". The Bug ignores her. She tries it again and the bug does nothing. She asks the young man to give the same command. He does, and The Crunch Bug jumps off its post and tears the phone book into a million small pieces and piles it up for easy disposal. "This is great,”says the woman. “Do you have a book that has all the commands that the animal knows?" "Yes ma'am." "Marvelous! I'll take this Crunch Bug. Can you hold it until Saturday for me?" "Yes ma'am, I'll be glad to." On Saturday morning the woman picks up the Crunch Bug from the pet shop and places it on the back of the couch at home. When her husband enters the living room, he asks "What the hell is this?" His wife replies, "Happy Anniversary! It's your very own South American Crunch Bug." "Right! Crunch Bug my Butt--"


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