It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line : "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That's the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "Knock it off, you jerk, it's two A.M.!"
Scientists have discovered that lager contains trace quantities of female hormones - something to do with the part of the plant that the hops are picked from. So someone did an experiment to determine the effect of this on the male. They took ten male volunteers, and got them each to drink eight pints of lager in quick succession. At the end of the test, it was found that they were all talking complete bollocks, and couldn't drive.
There's a man trying to cross the street. But when he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel. He says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks."
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water"?
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance." says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor, "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you get on." A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible, doctor." "What happened?" asked the doctor "Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate, He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What was terrible?" said the doctor "was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonalds again."
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 McLaren F1. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $2,500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 McLaren F1. They cost about two and a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 230 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 230 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my McLaren F1?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a McLaren F1?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?!"
Bill Gates’ wedding and honeymoon really must've been something. I heard they checked into a swank hotel in the Islands with skis and full Arctic regalia. The worried clerk said, "I'm sorry Mr. Gates, but there's no snow here." Bill replied, "I know. It's coming on the next cargo plane with the rest of our luggage." (Jim Jr.)
An American and a Russian are busy bragging. The American states, "Oh yeah, well it was the Americans that put the first man on the moon!" The Russian scoffs, "Big deal. Russia is working on putting the first man on the SUN!" The American re-scoffs, "Idiot! You can't put a man on the sun...he'll burn up!" The Russian smiles winningly, "Shows how much you know...we're going at night!"
A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you give me a drink of water?" asks the Texan. "Of course," says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in. "What do you do?" says the Texan. "I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli. "Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?" "Well", says the Israeli, "out front it's fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?" "Well", says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive...and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime." "Really," replies the Israeli. "I used to have a car like that."
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!"