The Pearly Gates |
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It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about new law, promptly asked the man, "before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and sleep with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that, I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day and it was a crime of passion. So he announced, "Ok, sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well", the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and lets the man enter.
A few seconds later a third man comes up to gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
An 85-year-old couple, married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite, and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
The next they went out back to see the championship golf course behind their house. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter's reply: "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darned bran muffins!! I could have been here ten years ago!"
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one" says St. Peter, "how many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts St., Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard." "Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?" Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer." "The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Three doctors arived as the pearly gates and asked permission to enter. St. Peter asked them what they had done during their lives to gain admittance into heaven. The first one said: "I was a country doctor, took care of people from birth to the grave, never refused to help a poor farmer that couldn't pay for my services and made house calls." St. Peter said: "Come on in." The second one said: "I was a heart surgeon, sacrificed my personal life by always being willing to operate on patients anytime they needed me and never refused to take Medicaid patients even though it always cost my practice money to serve them." St. Peter said: "Come on in." The third one said: "I have spent the last thirty years of my life running an HMO." St. Peter said: "You can come on in, but you can only stay for three days."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"