During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I Tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"
Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
Tower (in Stuttgart): Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: That's just like in Frankfurt. They only have 210 and 170 knots, too... but we are flexible.
Tower: We, too. Reduce to 173 knots.
Tower: Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign!
Pilot: I'm not silly...
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
Pilot: Condor 471, is there no Follow-me?
Tower: Negativ, you will have to find Gate 10 alone.
Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower.
Pilot: (After some seconds) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (After some seconds) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna.
Pilot: (After some more seconds): But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheck.
Tower: It's tuesday, Sir.
Pilot: Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.
Tower: Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination?
Pilot: To Leipzig, as every Monday.
Tower: But it's tuesday!
Pilot: WHAT? But we don't work on tuesdays!
Pilot: Tower, there's a runway-light burning.
Lotse: I hope, there's more than one.
Pilot: Sorry, i wanted to say: it's smoking.
Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...
Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger...(after some time)...We've checked the workers, they are all working.
Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Pilot: Say again.
Tower: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...?
Tower: Do you want an easier one?
Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, is your Squawk really 7046?
Tower: I'll send an excavator to help you, your altitude is minus ninety feet.
Tower: LH 8610 cleared for take-off.
Pilot (LH 8610): We didn't even land, yet.
Tower: So, who is on 26 south ?
Pilot (LH 8801): LH 8801.
Tower: Well, so you are cleared for take-off.
Tower: Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2.
Pilot: Where is that? We don't know this airport.
Tower: Don't worry, I'm in the same situation. It's only my second day today.
Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.
Tower: Flamingo 019, do you have a Springbock in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right?
Pilot: If you mean a 737...?
Tower: Yeah, you got it, you got it !
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100.
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain.
Pilot: But four plus six is ten, isn't it?
Tower: You should climb and not calculate!
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop) : Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?
Pilot: F LX 30, Tower control, please answer, we do only have some liters of fuel left. Give us the instructions!
Tower: Where's your position, you are not on our radar..!
Pilot: Wir are on Runway 2 and want to know when the fuel truck will be here!
Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off / radar vectors to 4000 feet / thereafter present position direct BOM / do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below / after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT / thereafter intercept j158 own navigation / read back.
Pilot: GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off / radar vectors to 4000 feet / thereafter present position direct BOM / do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below / after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT / thereafter intercept j158 own navigation... and I need another pencil.
Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Tower: Altitude and position?
Pilot: Well... I'm 5"8 and sitting ahead on the left side...
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to 4000 feet for noise abatement."
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 3000 feet?"
Tower: "At 4000 feet, you will miss the 707 now coming at you at 3000 feet, and that is bound to avoid one heck of a racket....