Puns |
|
After two days at Walt Disney World with a crying, screaming child, on our way back on I-95, I stopped at several "Child Changing" locations in restrooms and left our child, but no one would change with me. (Lawrence Brotherton)
Our collections have improved considerably since we began sending out our 90 day statements on 45 RPM records. The message we give our customers is: This is your vinyl notice. (By Stan Kegel)
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business." (Gail Angel)
American Skydiving Association: "Good to the last drop" (Stan Kegel)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns (Ms Kitty)
I heard Mae will have to forgo her regular cricket game. It's sad when there's no West for the wicket. (Robert E. Lewis)
A hot-dog vender was selling a ten-foot bratwurst. Remarked a passer-by, "I never sausage a thing." (Norm Gilbert)
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. (Henny Youngman)
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. (Ernst Jan Plugge)
Take your pig latin and throw it in the ash-tray! (Whitney Clark)
Chanel No. 5: "When you care enough to scent the very best." (David Reimher)
Deb the activist sure did agree
That the manatees ought to be free.
So she sneaked in the zoo
And released one named Hugh,
For the good of Hugh-Manatee.
(Kirk Miller)
There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that out. (Gary Hallock)
My uncle used to brag about how much money he was going to leave us, but when he died, it was obvious he had been putting-on heirs.
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Did you know that George Bush thought that Roe vs. Wade was the decision George Washington had to make when figuring out how to cross the Delaware?
(Bob Levi)
I have a friend whose ex-wife lives in Texas. Once a month she sends him a note that says, "Remember the Alimony."
(Renee in Napa)
I married my wife for looks, but not the kind I'm getting.
(Henny Youngman)
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
(Aaron Dragushan)
I have invented a pencil that has erasers at both ends. What do you think about my invention? Sounds pointless to me.
(Louis Phillips)
In the far north it's necessary to use only well seasoned anchors. So, what's your anchor age, I'll ask ya?
(Glen Gardner)
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man.
"Rustling."
(Peter Borgt)