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Mark Twain

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Jokes Central
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Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

...I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.

It's noble to be good, and it's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble.

Its name is public opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is in the wrong. There is no other time.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakable precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Wrinkes should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Optimist: day-dreamer more elegantly spelled.

Happiness ain't a thing in itself-it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant.

It is curious--curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

A southerner talks music.

Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off 'til day-after-tomorrow just as well.

Shut the door. Not that it lets in the cold but that it lets out the cozyness.

"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, dammed lies, and statistics.

Get your facts first...then you can distort 'em as much as you please.

Against the assult of laughter nothing can stand.

The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco.

The difference between truth and fiction. Fiction has to make sense.


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