A famous German pianist arrived in the U.S. several days before his concert. Upon sitting at the concert grand in the music hall, he played several notes. He walked away and refused to touch the piano again until his beloved tuner and technician from Germany, Opporknockity, was summoned to make the piano right. Opporknockity was flown to the states and set to work on the piano. At last, the finishing touches were in place. The pianist played the piano and found it "perfect."
Early on the morning of the day on which the concert was to take place, the pianist came to rehearse. When he began to practice, something was wrong. Something had happened to the piano! He found out that the stage hands had moved the piano in order to replace some floodlights above. The pianist was outraged and insisted that the beloved Opporknockity be flown back to the states to set all right with the piano before the evening concert. The in-house tuner simply would not do!
All involved with the concert knew that there was no way around it. They contacted Opporknockity at his home in Germany, explaining the circumstances. Opporknockity responded by saying, "The Maestro should know better than anyone... Opporknockity tunes but once!"
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's backyard lawn, so he had to keep the dog inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
In the wealthy suburbs of Palm Springs, a strange malady was striking the gardeners on the large estates. They were becoming very morose and depressed, and had to be hospitalized. The first signs of the disease were when they started complaining that the lawns were in terrible shape. A psychiatrist brought in to find out what was happening noticed that there were some gardeners who still remained cheerful and never developed the lawn-hating symptoms. The psychiatrist went over and over this group, trying to find out why they were immune and what they were doing differently. Finally, he noticed that the healthy gardeners always had garden twine in the wheelbarrow, whereas the sick gardeners carried the roll in their pockets. So then the cure was obvious: "Walk on, walk on, with rope in your cart, and you'll never knock a lawn."
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy"?
After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called `Pope Secola'."
Picard: (tugs on tunic and turns to Data) "Mr. Data, the ship's stores do not seem to be able to provide garments that fit properly. Could you investigate this and find a solution?"
Data: "Aye, sir. Perhaps there is some useful information in my historical records. Accessing." (some milliseconds later) "I have found a reference to a device called a Singer. It was used to join segments of textiles with a mechanical needle and thread. I believe this device can be used to make properly fitted garments."
Picard: "Excellent, Mr. Data. Make it sew!"
You know that a male cat is called a tom, and a female is a queen, right? Well, I was at the vet's the other day with my cat Rosie, and a cat named Odie was brought in on an emergency basis with a stomach problem. Seems she had been inadvertantly fed some of her owner's sandwich, one of those new flat bread pita wraps everyone is so fond of these days. Her owner was some old hippy gal, you know very earthy crunchy, kind of a throwback to the bohemian types from the 60's. Anyway the vet's assistant was trying to get this cat in ahead of mine. The vet said to her 'ok, give me the details. tom or queen? what did she eat? and what is her name?' And the assistant said ok and rattled it right off: Queen. Bohemian Wraps. Odie.
It seems a gentleman on a motor tour of the British Isles pulled into a small town near the Mersey River and headed for the nearest pub for a spot of tea; he was fascinated to find two unique things about the establishment. First the management prided itself that they used only water fresh from the Mersey for all teas and coffees and, second and even more curious, that all potions were brewed by the owner's pet koala.
By and by the tea and cakes came round, and the tea smelt absolutely delightful. There were, however, numerous tea leaves still afloat, which detracted from the esthetic experience of drinking it. The gentleman quietly summoned the hostess and asked if the tea might be taken back to have the leaves removed. The poor girl apologetically explained that that would be impossible, since the manager insisted that the koala tea of Mersey is not strained.
A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle.
"We must get help," said the king.
"I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."
"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."
"No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of all the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished the first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. She was very disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, tried to console her and said, "Don't worry. Some day your prints will come."
In England, there was a town that had fallen on really hard times. Their primary industry had been their textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high. Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries to bring to his town. He found that there was a man in Germany who was looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting-dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals, and was not willing to unload it for a fraction of its value, so that he could retire. The mayor used his influence to have the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed and the town prospered. Everyone was happy, even though, sometimes--especially on the nights with a full moon--the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake. But, even these unfortunate few learned to sigh and say, "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
There was once guy named Bennie from the old Lower East Side of New York City who was wandering around the Negev in Israel without a professional guide. Coming across an ancient hannukia he tried to shine it and sure enough out of the shammash popped a Jewish genie. “You can have anything you want,” said the Jewish genie, “on the condition you do not shave your face but in fact grow a nice long traditional beard. Unfortunately Bennie was a selfish sort of guy. Instead of giving tzedakah or perhaps even curing cancer he ended up in Saudi Arabia living like an oil wealthy sheik surrounded by beautiful exotic women and a different Mercedes with a different chauffeur for every time he had to go to the rest room. However as time went by his long long beard became increasingly uncomfortable. He called in his private security force, locked all the doors of his castle and sent for the best barber in the land who gave him a delightful smooth shave. As soon as the barber put down the razor Bennie was turned into dust and put into a little bronze pot. So what you may ask is the moral to this sad story? A Bennie shaved is a Bennie urned!
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they decided to open a small florist shop to raise the needed funds. After opening the shop, they found that the townspeople preferred buying flowers from them, these men of God, which led to the rival florist across town complaining that the friars were unfair competition. He asked the friars to close down, but they ignored his request. He then asked his mother to visit the friars, explaining the problems they were creating, and close their shop. The friars ignored her request as well. The florist then hired the roughtest, toughtest, most vicious thug in town, Hugh McTaggart, to persuade them to close their shop. Hugh went to the friars' shop, beat up all the friars, and trashed the shop, saying he would return if they didn't stay closed. Terrified, the friars stayed closed, proving once and for all, that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever. To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen. It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree. A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal. One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for "Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."