The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd-numbered lines.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well..." says the balloonist. "Everything you told be was technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager"
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well..." says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."
A feisty 70 year old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labour.
"Labour charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labour," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
A nerdy-looking fellow shuffled timidly into the sales manager's office. "I don't suppose you want to buy any life insurance?" he asked hesitantly.
"No, I don't."
"That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway." And he turned and made gratefully for the door.
"Hang on a sec, young man," the executive called out. "You know, I've worked with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was the most pathetic sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to have confidence, my boy. Shoulders back, look the customer in the eye, believe in yourself! In fact, just to give you a little boost, I'll give you a sale right now. Write me up for that policy after all."
"Thank you, sir, ever so much," said the salesman gratefully , presenting him with the papers.
The sales manager signed with a flourish. "And now that you're feeling more confident, you should learn some tricks of the trade."
"Quite right sir, good idea," said the salesman humbly. "Always useful. Actually, the one I just used is for sales managers."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Hi, ladies," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialised in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick: Take all your clothes off!"
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only Smith, Jones, Baker. That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bullseye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad's a civil servant, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
My sense of humor always gets me into trouble, but I just can't help it. Applying for a job one time, the employment form clearly said: "Age of Father, if living" and the same query for my Mother. I put down the figures 119 and 117 in the spaces provided, and the interviewer asked if my parents were truly that old. I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living."
Signing in for a technical conference, the hotel registry had a blank for "firm:" I entered "not very."
A young woman filling out one of our applications for employment had a very interesting answer for "What are your aims & ambitions". She wrote: "I want to go as far as my education and sex will allow."
At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker ?" Since the guy was a well known do nothing, I entered "Not just steady, but motionless" in the space provided.
The State Highway's Bridge Department had a questionnaire to try to weed out people not suited. One of the questions was "What does hydrodynamics mean ?" One applicant answered: "It means I don't get the job."
In case you've always wondered why stupid people get an unfair share of the promotions, here is an explanation that is also a mathematical proof. Any physicist can tell you that power = work over time. Now if knowledge = power, and time = money, then knowledge = work over money. Solving for money, we find that money = work over knowledge. Thus money approaches infinity as knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
A lawyer was busy perusing through piles of documents in preparation of an upcoming trial, so he asked his new receptionist to keep out all visitors. He told her, "whatever they say, just tell them, 'that's what they all say'". That afternoon, a woman visitor insisted on seeing the lawyer and receptionist refused to let her in. The woman said, "but I'm his wife!" "That's what they all say.”