In addition to my job with a package-delivery company, I'm an emergency medical technician and volunteer firefighter. As I drove home from work one day, I heard a radio call about a woman in labor. I went to the address and, sizing up the situation, told the expectant mother, "You're going to have this baby right here, in the living room."
The birth was perfect. After I announced she had a beautiful, healthy baby girl, the mother looked at me and saw the emblem on my shirt. "Oh, my gosh!" she gasped. "My baby was delivered by UPS!"
A traveler stopped to observe the curious behavior of a farmer who was plowing his field. The single mule hitched to the plow was wearing blinders, and the farmer was yelling, 'Giddyap, Pete! Giddyap, Luke! Giddyap, Ol' Josh! Giddyap, Ned!'
After watching the farmer carry on like this for a while, the traveler asked, "Say, mister, how many names does that mule have?"
"Just one, his name is Pete."
"Then why do you call out Luke & Josh & Ned & Pete?"
"It's like this," explained the farmer. "If Ol' Pete knew he was doing all this work alone, I couldn't make him do it. But if he thinks he's got three other mules workin' alongside of him, he does the whole job all by himself."
"What a marvelous idea!" exclaimed the traveler. And when he returned to his corporate office in New York, he formed a committee.
A dog walks into a JobCentre and says to the assistant: "Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?"
The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself - "Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do for you."
The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smart's Circus. "Hey Billy - you interested in a talking Dog?"
"Of course, send him along! If he's any good there'll be a few quid in it for you!"
An hour later, the dog pads back into the JobCentre. The assistant gushes "Great news! You've got an interview tommorow at Billy Smarts Circus!"
The dog looks puzzled. "What does a circus want with a bricklayer?"
A co-worker just hollered over the cubicle wall, "Hey. How do you spell 'approximately'?"
Another co-worker replied, "A-L-M-O-S-T".
Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job centre he was offered work at the local Zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Martin was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked him.
"I can't believe it" said Martin "I just opened the door and then.....Whooooosh!"
The visitor to the zoo noticed one of the keepers sobbing quietly in a corner. On inquiring, he was told that the elephant had died. "Fond of him, was he?'' the visitor asked. "It's not that.'' Came the reply. "He's the chap who has to dig the grave.''
- by Saket Kumar, Bihar
A rich couple was going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party and came home early. As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves, take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves, take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves, remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount ... she looks at him ... "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Three statisticians decided to go duck hunting. None of them had had experience with such an activity but nevertheless thought, how hard could it be? and proceeded to purchase the necessary materials. At around noon on the appointed Saturday, this intrepid trio made their way to a likely estuary and began setting up the duck blind and loading their shotguns. Apparently, most ducks were having lunch at this time as none of the fowl fellows was making an appearance but, finally, one of the hunters spotted a lone bird approaching. The first statistician fired a round, close but too low. The second statistician tried and missed also: a little too high. The third statistician yelled, "Yeah, we got him!"