I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Yes, do you have anything I'd like?" They say, “How would I know what you’d like?” and I say, “You started this.”
I have trouble buying clothes because I’m not my size. I take extra medium.
I’m driving down the street with my friend the other day, 150 miles an hour, cruise control on, both of us in the back seat. A cop pulls us over, doesn’t know who to arrest. So he arrests us both, we’re in court... you know the rest.
I went to a tourist information booth and asked them, “Can you tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year?”
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I saw this woman in the department store the other day, wearing a full-length fur coat. I asked her what kind of animal it was made from, she said raccoon. “My God,” I said, “He must have been huge!”
She was wearing pierced hearing aids, and unscented perfume. It came in a little, empty bottle.
Snakes have no arms; that’s why they don’t wear vests.
I bought my brother some gift-wrapping paper for Christmas as a gift. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different pattern so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Tinsel is snake mirrors.
Every time I go walk in the woods, I take some tinsel with me, just in case I come upon a snake. Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for ‘permanent’ press? I don't get it...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I hooked my brake lights up to my accelerator, just to fool the people behind me. I hit the gas, they stop, I’m gone.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh!”
I bought a blank tape the other day, brought it home, put it in my stereo, and turned it on full blast. Then there was a knock on my door. It was my next-door neighbor, complaining. He’s a mime. So I used a silencer.