Doctor

Doctor, I have an ear ache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A man walked into a doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his right ear, and a banana in his left ear.

"What's wrong with me, Doc?" he asked.

The doctor took one glance and pronounced, "You're not eating properly!"

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid idiot!!

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Doctor: Sell!

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, smells terrible." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile and avoided eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor. "Nope," she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."

When the handsome gynecologist asked his new patient to disrobe, the pretty young thing began to blush. "Haven't you ever been examined before?" he asked with concern. "Oh, yes," she whispered, "but never by a doctor."

A woman I know went to an HMO. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's is the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children & seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant ?" The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

A woman is losing her hair and goes to the doctor. He says there's a brand new male hormone from Australia available that works, but not approved for use in the US. She arranges for a delivery from a friend she met on the Internet. Two weeks later, the friend in Oz asks how it's working. "Great so far." she replied "But it makes my testicles itch."

A proctologist is sick of hassles of medical practice, and decides to retire. He has enough money that he doesn't have to work, but he wants to stay busy. He is an avid motorcyclsit so he decides to become a motorcycle mechanic. He enrolls in motorcycle repair course. At the end of the course he gets a letter from the teacher saying that he is the first student ever to get a grade of 150% on the final exam. He calls the teacher for an explanation of why his grade was the best ever. The teacher says "You disassembled the motor quickly and efficiently--that was 50%. You reassembled it quickly and it started immediately--that was another 50%. The final extra 50% was because you were the first student to do these things while putting your hands through the tailpipe.

”Doctor, doctor, (cough) how do I cure this cough?”
“Eat an entire box of Ex-Lax before bedtime. By the next morning you'll be afraid to cough.”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."