One Liners

I'm proud of how many kids I've put through college. We have my dentist's kids, my lawyer's kids....

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

If you can't have your cake, AND eat it... Then next time make more cakes

Housework done properly can kill you.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. My kitchen is delirious.

Feel free to let you mind go blank..... Just remember to turn off the sound.

It's being mad that keeps me sane.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

I asked my girlfriend if she'd love me when I was old and useless... She said "Of course I do"

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

Blood is thicker than water. But the goldfish don't seem to like it as much.

I may be fat, but you are ugly, and I can go on a diet.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Apathy rules, but who cares?

Sticks and stones may break my bones But an eight-pound sledgehammer would really hurt.

Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand...

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The shortest sentence is "I Am." The longest sentence is "I Do."

There are only three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can't.

When all is said and done, much more is said than done.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!

I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I let my mind wander... but it didn't come back.

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every waking moment of it.

My train of thought just got derailed.

Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I'm unemployed due to an eyesight problem. I can't see myself doing any work.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

There's Nothing Quite Like A McDonalds... except maybe the contents of my toilet.

Some days I sit and think... other days I just sit.

The more people I meet, the more i like my cat.

Jesus loves you... it's everyone else that thinks you're a jerk.

I'm not prejudiced; I hate everyone!

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

Free advice is worth what you paid for it.

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.