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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people who'd really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man: "Tell me about the day you died". The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on the balcony-we live on the 25th floor-and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips, went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell but landed in some bushes. So I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about his day. "Well, sir, it was awful", said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th-floor apartment when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers. I landed on some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside of a refrigerator...”
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates have died and gone to heaven. As they stand outside the Pearly Gates, Clinton nudges Gore and says, "I never thought I’d get here; I didn’t lead a very good life." Just then, St. Peter strolls up and overhears this. He says, "There is no such thing as hell; we just tell people that so they lead a better life on Earth, but how much you enjoy heaven depends on how you behaved while on Earth." He leads them through the gates and down a hallway. He says to Al Gore, “You’re in this room.” Gore looks in and sees a hideous looking old woman. He doesn't want to go in, but they shove him in and he hears a booming voice, “Al Gore, you have NOT lived a good life, you are doomed to spend all eternity with this woman.” They leave him and continue down the hallway. St. Peter says to Bill Clinton, “You’re in this room.” Clinton looks in and sees an even more hideous looking old woman. He hears the booming voice, “Bill Clinton, you have NOT lived a good life, you are doomed to spend all eternity with this woman.” By this time Clinton has fainted, so they drag him into the room and leave him. Bill Gates is starting to get worried it seems the women are getting worse as they go further down the hall. St. Peter stops at the next room and says to Bill Gates, Youre in here. He looks in and sees Cindy Crawford in a very sexy negligee. Needing no coaxing at all, he runs into the room. He then hears the booming voice, "Cindy Crawford, you have NOT lived a good life..."
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her loser husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."