Puns |
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What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a ceramicist? A hairy potter.
(Richard Lederer)
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
(Brad Williams)
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."
(Infobeat)
Knock, knock,
Who's there?
Alimony
Alimony who?
Alimony I have goes to my ex-wife.
(Danny Perry)
Why should you never date a tennis player? 'Cause love means "nothing" to them!
(Gr8 Humor)
If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.
(Irene A. Mystery)
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
She was true to the regiment, but rotten to the corps.
She was pure as the driven snow - 'til she drifted.
She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
George W. Bush's spokesman said the president-elect opposes federal spending for cell research. He thinks enough research has been done. He's learned the faster you execute the prisoners, the fewer cells you need.
(Argus Hamilton)
Reincarnation: the belief that one dies, it's possible to come back as a boutonniere.
(Steve Baron)
How do you kill a circus troupe? Go for the juggler!
(Daily Groaner)
It is widely known in the financial industry that proctologists are poor credit risks. They are always in arrears.
(Bruce Michel)
Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!
(Daily Groaner)
No-fault insurance does not cover earthquakes.
(Pun of the Day)
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
(Gunjan Seraf)
What happens if Peter fails in the final examination?
He will become a Re-Peter!
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush. "How's your summer been?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen." The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee. "Great!" replies the second. The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp.”
A good pun is its own reword.
A young lass was being courted by a dairy farmer and a poet, but couldn't decide which to marry. Her problem lay in whether to marry for butter or verse.
Is your holier side your altar ego?
A short psychic channeler has just escaped from the State Prison...Yes, there is a small medium at large!
Ten Puns:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and readinga book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.