The Funny Farm!
HOW DUMB CAN THEY GET?
A daring thief who stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants learned that crime doesn't pay when the frisky creatures gave him a vasectomy. Police say the 24 year old shoplifter was leaving a Bristol, England supermarket when he removed the lobsters from their tank and shoved them into his trousers. The man sprinted past stunned checkout girls, but came to a screeching halt when he felt the lobsters clutching on his manhood. The thorny creatures were finally removed when emergency medics pried them loose with pliers. Doctors say the thief will fully recover from his frightening tangle with the lobsters, but he will never be a daddy. The thief's painful prank landed him in the hospital, where he is expected to remain for three or four weeks. But thanks to a kindhearted supermarket manager, he will not be charged with any crime. "The guy's gone through enough pain," said the store manager. "I think he has learned his lesson. I doubt if he'll ever steal again."
PONTIAC, MICHIGAN
Drug possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
EL PASO
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
OKLAHOMA CITY
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin give them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested for arson.
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.
"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions"
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)