In the Beginning...

Sorry, guys, my translation from Russian into English. But ut's just too good to miss!.. To religious folks who can't take a joke: STOP HERE!!


Old Testament, Genesis:

1:1. In the beginning was the Word and 2 bytes and nothing else.
1:2. And God separated 0 from 1. And God saw that it was good.
1:3. And God said: "Let there be data". And there were data!
1:4. And God said: "Let all kinds of data be separated according to their likeness", and He created diskettes, hard drives and compact disks. 1:5. And God said: "Let there be Computers to insert diskettes and compact disks into!" And there were computers! God called the computers hardware and separated hardware from software.
1:6. But there was no software yet, and God created programs, big and small, and said to them: "Be fruitful and multiply and fill all the RAM!"
1:7. And God said: "Let us create a Programmer in our image and likeness and let him rule over computers and programs". And God created a Programmer and He placed the Programmer in His Computer Lab. And God commanded: "You can run programs from every tree in the filesystem, but you must not run programs from the Windows folder, for if you run a program from the Windows folder, you will surely die".
1:8. The Lord God said: "It's not good for the Programmer to be alone. I will make a companion for him, who corresponds to him". And God made the Programmer fall into deep sleep and took a part of his side, and made a User. And God gave the User to the Programmer. The Programmer and the User were working under bare DOS, but they weren't ashamed.

2:1 Now, Bill was more shrewed than any of the wild animals. He said to the User: "Is it really true that God said, 'You must not run any programs'?" And the User said: "We can run any programs, but not from the Windows folder, because then we must die". And Bill said: "Surely you will not die, for God knows that once you start Windows you will be like divine beings who can do everything with one mouse click".
2:2 And the User saw that Windows was attractive to the eye and made it unnecessary to think and installed Windows on his computer. And then told the Programmer about it, and he installed Windows too.
2:3 And went Programmer to search for drivers for his User's Windows, and God called to the Programmer and said to him: "Where are you?"
2:4 And Programmer said: "I went to look for drivers, for there's no drivers under bare DOS" And God asked: "How do you know about drivers?
Did you run Windows?" And the Programmer said: "The User you gave me installed Windows and showed it to me". And God asked the User: "What is this you have done?" And the User replied: "Bill tricked me and I did". And said God to Bill: "Because you have done this, cursed you are among all software manufacturers! I will put hostility between you and the User, and he will call you bad names, and you will sell him your Windows!" To the User He said: "I will increase you computing pains and exhaust your bank account. You will want to control the computer, but it will dominate you and you will run your Programmer's beta programs!"
2:5 But to the Programmer He said: "Because you obeyed your user, cursed are the computers for you , thanks to you; and you will suffer from viruses and worms and hardware glitches. By the sweat of your brow you will debug your code untill you get the Blue Screen of Death!"
2:6 So God expelled them from His Computer Lab and put a password on login.

General Protection Fault.



New Testament, Gospel of Linus:


In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with UNIX, and UNIX was fully God. A man came, sent from UNIX, whose name was Linus. He came to testify about his Operating System, so everyone may install it and run for free, and see the light of real programming through his Operating System. The true Operating System that gives light to everyone was coming to the world. And to all who installed and ran his Operating System, he gave the right to become real Computer Users -- using computers not by Microsoft End User Licence, but by the power of their own minds.


Two comments: In Russian Orthodox Bible, God greates the woman from Adam's rib. Also, in Russian, "bone marrow" and "brain" can be expressed by the same word. So, in the original text, God created User from the Programmer's rib, because it was the only bone without "brain".

Also, somehow, in Russian programmer's slang, Microsoft products are designated by the expression "mustdie", I don't know why, but it's played out in the text.

Geez, why don't you all just learn Russian? So much is lost in the translation!

Good Luck,

Uncle Theodore is a frequent contributor to AOLM.