In a veterinarian's office: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"
In a plumber's shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Sign at the Psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's business: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a veterinarian's office: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what your looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Lot outside veterinarian's office: "Parking for Customers only, all others will be neutered.
In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out"
In a London department store: "Bargain Basement upstairs"
In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder the other day please bring it back or further steps will be taken"
Outside a farm: "Horse manure per pre-packaged bag; do it yourself"
In an office: "After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside-down on the draining board"
On a church door: "This is the gate of heaven. Enter all ye by this door. (This door to be kept locked because of draft. Please use side door)"
Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: "The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow"
Outside a photographer's studio: "Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also"
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: "Slow cattle crossing: No overtaking for the next 100 yrs"
Outside a disco: "Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town: Everyone welcome"
Sign warning of quicksand: "Quicksand: Any person passing this point will be drowned: by order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: "Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order"
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: "Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of"
Sign on motorway garage: "Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much, but our petrol is"
Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness"
Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants: Please stay in your car"
Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor"
Notice in a field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free: but the gull charges"
Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons"
Sign on a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door; the bell doesn't work)"
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: "Beware! I shoot every tenth tresspasser, and the ninth one has just left"