Steven Wright

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I think Darwin was adopted.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why are ballerinas always on their tiptoes? Why don’t they just get taller women?

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

If I ever have a kid, I want to get one of those strollers for twins. I’ll put him in one side, then walk around the park, looking... “Yes, officer; he looked just like this one.”

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I got one of those ultrasonic things to put on my car, they’re supposed to scare deer away. I installed it backwards. So I’m driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to my neighbor and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I want to go to court someday, so I can answer the guy who says, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” “Yes, you’re ugly. You see that woman in the jury? I’d really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going, or are you going to ask me questions?”

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...

I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got there.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I’m driving down the street the other day, 100 miles an hour, no reason. A cop pulls me over, asks me why I’m going so fast. “Because I had my foot to the floor; it sends more gas through the carburetor, makes the engine go faster, the whole thing just takes off. You see this? See this here? This steers it.”

Nice night for an evening.

I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

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