A woman brought her baby onto a city bus one day.
"How are you, ma'am?" asked the bus driver.
"Fine," the lady replied.
The bus driver, after taking a look at the woman's baby, said, "Ma'am, I don't want to be mean, but that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my entire life!"
The woman--understandably--was very upset. Steaming, she walked to the back of the bus and sat down. The guy next to her, noticing how upset she was, leaned over.
"Are you okay, lady?"
The woman replied, "The bus driver said something that made me very upset. I just can't forget about it."
The guy said, "Well, why don't you go up there and give him a piece of your mind?"
The woman nodded, "I think I will!"
The guy smiled, "Go ahead, lady. I'll even hold your monkey while you go up there."
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and concludes with, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the doctor said, "He needs to be changed!"
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
Two children left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together by phone, they discussed the birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly father.
Bruce, the elder child, said, "I built a big house for our father."
Susan, his sister, smiled and said, "I've got you beat. You remember how Dad enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know he can't see very well. So I sent him a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the old guys in the congregation 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Papa just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Dad sent out his letters of thanks.
"Bruce," he wrote his son, "The house you built is so huge, we live in only one room, but we have to hire someone to clean the whole house."
"Dearest Susan," he wrote to his daughter, "You have the good sense to know what your father likes. The chicken was delicious!"
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90!
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell... Ms Smith: "Good morning." Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....." Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you. Salesman: "Really? Well, good. You'll be reassured to know that I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins." Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do." Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it." Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?" Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out." Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, "I aim to please.'" Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that." Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London." Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!" Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Ms Smith: "She was?" Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Ms Smith: "A good look?" Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?" Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store." Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it." Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?" Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith? ... Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"
My wife and I have structured conversations: firstly, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion.