A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp, who was filling in for my secretary, out to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really? WERE you???"
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "How old are you?" The Mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Her Mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up". The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy? Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The Mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The Mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
The reason women live longer than men is because they don't have wives.
Two Mothers were playing the age-old game of bragging about their sons. The first said, "My son is now a famous doctor in Columbia Maryland. He just built a new home there that cost $ 850,000." "Well, my son is also doing just fine. I'm afraid on the down side that he's decided he's gay. But... on the up side, he seems to have a nice 'friend' -- a famous doctor who just built a new $ 850,000 house in Columbia Maryland."
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didnít start until the cake was opened for the formality as the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: "You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottom"
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty peeved.
:Where the hell have you been?!" she demands.
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You damn liar! You went bowling again!"
Husband to wife: "Well, I'll say this. When they start requesting a blonde baby sitter instead of a brunette, they're old enough to stay home alone."