Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*$#h tonight, Dave!"
I bought my wife a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead!
When I was a child, I was reading in the living room and mom asked "Is the light OK--can you see?" "Well, it's donserly," I replied. When mom told me "donserly" isn't a word, I insisted it was, meaning 'dim' and said "I sing it every day in school...'Oh, say can you see, by the donserly light?'”
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silvery walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, and I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
A man was sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper when his wife hit him over the head with a frypan, "What was that for" he asked. " I found a piece of paper in your shirt pocket with the name MaryAnn written on it!" she said. "Oh honey, that is the name of the horse I bet on when I went to the races last week" he said. "Oh thats okay then," she said. A few days later at the breakfast table his wife hit him over the head with the frypan again. "What was that for?" he said and his wife answered "Your horse phoned last night!"
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one...20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "A trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."