A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage."
The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian said, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em".
A guy gets stranded in the California desert for several weeks. When he was finally rescued, it came out that he had eaten a condor during this ordeal in order to stay alive. Still, he was charged with the crime of killing an endangered animal. The media, of course, was fascinated with this man, and they showed up in droves for his court appearance.
The judge looked over the warrants, then looked at the man. "You mean to tell me that you ate a condor!?"
"Yes sir. But it was an act of self preservation. I had to eat it in order to stay alive."
The judge considered this explanation, then agreed to dismiss the charges due to extenuating circumstances. Outside the courtroom, the reporters gathered around the vindicated man.
"Sir! Sir! Did you REALLY eat a condor?" asked one of the reporters.
"Why, yes I did." the man replied.
"What did it taste like?" asked another reporter.
The man rocked back on his heels and thought for a moment, then replied: "A little like a cross between a bald eagle and a great horned owl."
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yeah, I think they're from the wicker chairs."
A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.
Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
A vacationer noticed a sign that warned DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!, posted on the glass door of a little country store. Inside the store, a harmless-looking old hound dog was asleep on the floor by the cash register.
"Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?" he asked the store manager.
"Yup." The man replied.
The vacationer was amused. "That doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why the sign?"
"Well," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The woman immediately leans out her window and yells "JERK!!" They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next curve she crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only women would listen.
I stopped at a red light, and this lady came up to my car and said she would do anything for $100. She is coming over Saturday to paint my house.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager,"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John, came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How did you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me."
There's a new French perfume about to be imported into the US. It is so powerful and alluring that it has a warning label not to use it if you're just fooling around.
My neighbor bought an expensive South American parrot. I stood in front of the cage and said "Good Evening" in an attempt to get him to say it. The parrot answered "No hablo Ingles." Now when I go over there, the bird teaches me Spanish.