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1. Midlife crisis is that moment when you realize your children and your clothes are about the same size.
2. Blessed are the teenagers for they shall inherit the national debt.
3. When we were young adults, we worried about bouncing checks -- today we worry that our bank will bounce.
4. Old termites never die. They just live happily ever rafter.
5. Good loser: An athlete who is capable of making reporters believe he enjoyed being beaten.
6. Horse sense is usually found in stable minds.
7. In the window of a skin-diving equipment shop: "We carry a complete line of under ware."
8. Remember when a Saturday-night special was a double-dip chocolate soda?
9. The only thing worse than a flooded basement is a flooded attic.
10. The best way to locate a lost thumbtack is to walk around barefooted.
11. When I meet my high school classmates I realize that I am a senior citizen.
12. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, particularly when it comes to hangovers.
13. A hair transplant is reseeding the receding.
14. If you ever want to write something that will live on forever, sign a mortgage.
15. Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
16. It isn't the heat that's bad. It's the people who keep reminding us about the humidity
17. The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.
18. Bachelor: A man who thinks a weekend is something you rest up in.
19. The best way to keep from hitting your thumb is to have someone else hold the nail.
20. The ultimate in status might be to have an unlisted zip code number.